Cancer

Fear.  Anguish.  Shock.  Held back tears.  Guilt.  Confusion.  An unexpected tidal wave crashed over our lives on Monday, November 14.  The doctor mustered all of her compassion to deliver the news, "Blake has a malignant kidney tumor.  Surgery will be needed immediately."  But all of the compassion in the world could not stop the sudden surge of emotion that followed.

The truth of what this meant pounded us relentlessly.  Test after test was taken , as swarms of doctors flooded our room.  Being parents of a child with cancer means you put on your bravest face and most convincing smile - when all the while the waters are rising too quickly.  You hide in the bathroom, gasping for air, as fear washes over you.

But then, I began to realize I wasn't drowning.  Somewhere, in the wake of the fear and confusion, I knew what it meant to really be brave.  Somehow, my smile became real - so full of love for our scared little boy who needed to know he was safe.  God is with me.  Jesus Christ is living in me, and I don't have to do this alone.

The waters are still rushing, and I still feel helplessly caught in the undercurrent.  But I know He's with me here.  I still hide in the bathroom and cry, but He sends the Holy Spirit to wrap me in love.  The aftermath is devastating, but we have hope.  The word "cancer" is powerful, but we've already seen that Jesus' death and resurrection makes his promise of healing greater than any tumor.

And so, this journey begins.

Easter Egg Hunt

Digital slideshow personalized with Smilebox For the Grandparents:  An Easter video - just in time for Thanksgiving.  This is how I roll.

20 Years Ago

My 3rd grade pic :)

There are so many things I wish I could tell this little girl.  And no, not just that her bangs and crimped hair combo are totally killer.  Mostly I wish I could say that even though every scrap of her faith is being tested, and her world is nothing like it was two short years before - life is going to turn out great.

Today is a completely ordinary day at my house.  Blake is finally over a week of sickness, Steve is at work, the dishwasher is my soundtrack as I clean up a week's worth of procrastinated chores.  Then suddenly, somewhere between Febreezing a pair of sneakers and sweeping the kitchen floor, the Holy Spirit spoke to me.  "Stop and look around.  You are blessed."

Our wedding day May 14, 2005

Like every child who endures her parent's divorce, I wasn't exactly sold on the idea of marriage.  But just look at that picture!  Guess I changed my mind!  Steve is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I love him, heart and soul, and I truly believe God has used him to continually strengthen me and to help me set aside the baggage of life.   

And then there was this day!  Anyone who has ever heard a doctor say, "You may have a tough time having children,"  knows the added joy that comes when you hold your baby for the first time.  Despite that pesky pituitary tumor, and with no problems at all, we had our very own baby boy!

My life is not perfect.  It doesn't need to be.  It is, however, blessed.  And I really do wish I could tell that little girl, twenty years ago, that everything will be OK.  But you know... I didn't need to.   There were so many people, my parents especially, who did everything they could to guide me through those rocky waters.  Teachers, family, friends, parents of my friends and pastors pushed me right into the arms of God.  So to any of you reading this who remember that little girl, I say, "Thank You!"  You were right.  Life turned out pretty great.